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I promise to burn your nightmares
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26th-Jun-2010 11:26 am - Cornerstone or bust!

For the next 10 days I will be a gypsy again. Living out of a suitcase and off of kindness, going through 5 different states with people I've never met, meeting many new people along the way, and seeing many old friends. Goodbye internet, if you need me I'll be back on my wagon wheel. If only I needn't ever return...


Today a strange package addressed to Lady Echo Solo Organa Skywalker the III arrived at my house...I had no idea who it was from but when I saw the name, I looked at it curiously and pretty much died laughing.

Inside was this wonderful perfect card that made me cry like a big dumb idiot *^.^*

Followed by delicious white tea and junk food~
In conclusion, Kim is an amazing friend and that was legitimately one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me.
Thank you Kim ♥

I've been spending a lot of time with Lisa and Flip and it's been such a blast. I really adore these girls and I think we're going to show summer who's boss. Then this weekend I went down to Virginia for Seva's birthday get together and got to see a lot of people that to be honest, I didn't think I'd really get to see much of anymore. That made me happy. But there was such a rush of memories bombarding me at the same time. It was a bittersweet trip, but I had so much fun. After a night of Karaoke, which is always epic, Matt took me to Tyson's Corner and we ate at this sushi place with a conveyer belt. I was soooo excited when I saw it because the last time I went to a place like that it was East Sushi in NY with Amber and we didn't even eat downstairs so we didn't get to use it. I was expecting it to be just barely edible since it was mall sushi, but it was so freaking good. We also hit up Teavana and I've converted him to teaism! We even got free tea because they messed something up and we had to wait really long. We weren't even mad, we were just chillin' and they gave us white tea which is the most expensive and were super nice to us! Pear Luna mixed with Lavender Dreams...lavender blossoms, pink and yellow rose buds, Roman chamomile flowers, passion flowers, peaches, papaya, and kiwi. It was really perfumey, but smooth and herbal at the same time. It's nice to be around people who get me, and I feel like the three aforementioned people and I totally click. I can really get along with anyone, but for me that is really rare. It used to be that way with someone else in the beginning, but...I guess, I digress...

Do you ever just feel so horrible inside, that you want to behave horribly? Do evil deeds just to somehow find a release for all of the horribleness in your soul? I suppose it's the constant battle between light and dark waging their little war within me. Just a strange thought I guess. I'll never be able to bring myself to do them, but sometimes I want to, just to spit in whatever's face that is making me feel this way. I can describe it in no other way but to say, darkness. I feel like my body is shrouded in this strange darkness...this misty, violently empty, tormented, longing feeling. I guess the only real way to do that is to take in every happy moment I can find and savor it, if only to push the darkness away for just a few minutes and enjoy those small bits of joy I've fought for. My patience and grace towards people are wearing thin these days and I'm not able to tolerate as much from people. As much as I may love them and want to, I just can't right now. I am dealing with things and I need to be happy, healthy, and calm.

A few of this weeks happy moments.Collapse )

31st-May-2010 04:43 am - Horrible chest pain is horrible.

I miss sleeping, I feel like I haven't had a good nights sleep in days. I'm trying really hard to ignore the pain and just be happy and keep busy and function normally. Today I felt jittery like I was on a caffeine high so pretty sure I'm having an adverse reaction to the new medication/it's doing the opposite of what it's supposed to. Not touching that shit again. Next. I feel like a lab rat and it's so so frustrating. I keep telling myself to calm down and telling my heart to stop pounding, I take deep breaths, I'm calm, I'm serene, but for some reason my body doesn't feel calm with my mind and I just end up getting frustrated and crying because my chest hurts so bad and I can't make it go away. I have no idea what's wrong with me, but whatever it is, this stuff he switched me too isn't helping, it's actually making it worse. My heart is burning, aching, and pounding right now and I'm so exhausted, I just want to SLEEP! It really fucking hurts T.T and I want to go to the ER so bad and just find out once and for all what the hell this is, but I know we can't afford it so I just have to keep sucking it up and being strong.

I guess this is something beyond my control right now, but I feel like a big complainer when I know so many of my other friends are dealing with things right now... I hope that someday I'll become a much stronger person for those I love.

This week is over. It was one of the worst weeks of my life. And I'm going to remember who was here for me.

I'm not about to say this to pin medals on myself, I am a faulted person like anyone else, I'm well acquainted with my faults.
I've never admitted this, and I feel that because of what I've been brought up to believe, even in doing so I am undoing it being a good act at all, but...
I pray for those who dislike me and come against me, to be blessed.
When I know people secretly dislike me I've tried to win them over with gifts or cupcakes.
I know that I am or I try to be a good hearted person.
Who does good things, wishes good things, tries to see the good in others, has good intentions.
Who will do everything to repair things when they're broken.
Who will exhaust all means beyond rationality for someone I care about when necessary.
And so I know, that there is a God in heaven, and some kind of karma, and that amazing, wonderful, incredible, breathtaking, good things, are coming my way.
And that tomorrow when I go to the doctor, everything is going to work out.
That Chazz is happy and with his mother again.
That I will be adored like I deserve.
That so will Amber, and Flip, and all my other lovely girls.
That I will be successful in my business endeavors.
That my dreams will come true.
That lots of exciting adventures await me.
And that no matter how many times you lift me up only to throw me back down again, I will be lifted up once more and still live a life where I will accomplish amazing, wonderful, incredible, breathtaking, good things.
And you're never going to stop me.

24th-May-2010 04:57 pm - A somewhat literal broken heart.

Went to the doctor's today and got an EKG. I apparently have a right bundle branch block in my heart, which is abnormal and will need to be checked out by a Cardiologist. My heart rate is a bit too fast, I'll be getting bloodwork tomorrow to find out more, having a follow up visit Friday to go over those results, then seeing the Cardiologist sometime after that. $.$ cha ching. Hello more debt. I sincerely wish I had gone to the Cardiologist appointment I had scheduled and canceled last summer. I'm starting to think certain particular bad things in my life right now may've been avoidable if I'd only taken better care of myself. The saying "You can't love someone else unless you first love yourself" may mean something a bit different than initially thought. Lesson learned too late. I didn't sleep last night, it's still hard to breath, and my heart hurts. He gave me something for that, which I was so thankful for because I need some kind of relief right now. I'm too young for this shit.

"Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee." Job 1:18,19

The thing of it is, I don't understand how I wake up and so many more things go wrong every day. Though it's probably presumptuous to compare myself to him as I know what he went through, I feel like I can relate to Job. I feel like the devil's been given free reign on my life and is tearing shit up. I don't want to lose anymore of the people that I love, I wish I could get back the ones that I already have lost. I'm starting to feel like I'm going to wake up and I don't know who I'll find dead or what will have collapsed, and that scares me.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
       and naked I shall depart.
       The LORD giveth and the LORD hath taken away;
   blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

I'm trying to still believe that now, because I don't believe in anything else, and I need some kind of relief right now.

24th-May-2010 12:01 am - That was really not fun :(

As you'll read in the last few entries in more detail, things are not going so hot despite my attempts to make things better. I was in the kitchen looking for something to eat at around 9ish when I started feeling little sharp stabbing pains in my chest followed by a sort of tightness. I walked outside to the porch where my mom was and told her I didn't feel so good, then immediately my vision started blacking out and I sat down and started getting a hot flash like I was going to pass out. Then it got hard to breath. They walked me to my room where I spent an hour or so in bed hyperventilating, getting really hot, then getting chills, experiencing a tight squeezing sensation in my chest followed by a sharp shooting pain, having muscle spasms, and feeling weird lightheaded tingly sensations shooting through my head, chest, wrists, and knees. We were about to leave for the ER, but we were debating it because of money issues. After a while it seems to have calmed down. My chest feels better than it did an hour ago, but worse than it felt this morning.

23rd-May-2010 08:06 pm(no subject)

I feel like all the people dearest to me are dropping like flies. Ryuu, John, and now Chazz. I feel like my life has turned into a hole filled with mud, and I am struggling to climb out, stand up, only to keep falling back on my face. I thought I was at my limit and then more and more things kept piling on. I'm a nice girl, I value the people in my life, I do whatever I can for them, I don't try to hurt anyone and if I do I do everything I can to fix it. I want to be loved, I want to be here for the people I love, I want to achieve my goals. I want to make music and live my dreams for Chazz who can't now. The past couple of days I've had chest pains, I actually woke up and my heart felt sore from how hard it's been pounding with anxiety. I am getting sick. I was at my wits end, dealing with debt, dealing with my business falling apart, dealing with losing the most important person to me and my best friend, dealing with my other friend now out of nowhere being cruel. I was trying to keep it all together and be positive, just slowly work through it, baby steps. No. They're gone. They're not coming back. My life has fallen apart and I am supposed to build a new one now. I don't want it to be like this. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I need help.

Today I received an email on Myspace stating that Chazz Ortega was killed in a freak accident...

When I was 10 years old, on my tenth birthday in fact, my family had a party for me at Mountasia Mini Golf in Alpharetta Georgia. There was a teenage boy working there at the time with more facial piercings than I'd ever seen in my life. In fact I wasn't sure I'd ever seen facial piercings to begin with. And my sister liked this boy. She and Chazz soon started dating and he was a constant fixture at our apartment. Ali would also sometimes let me come to Mountasia with her where he'd often let me play for free, or we'd suck helium out of the helium tank for the balloons. He became like a big brother to me. I looked up to him. He made music, was an artist, and I swore I would get piercings when I grew up too. He was a part of our family, even to my parents. A while later we were finally able to move away from Georgia, as we had hated it there very much. But we had to leave Chazz behind. It was a very painful thing, he felt like we were abandoning him, but we would keep in touch, right?

Well over the years we lost touch, and then finally when I was about 15 we heard from him. He wasn't doing so well, was mixed up in drugs, and really needed help. I spoke to him for the first time in a while and was so excited that he was going to come up. But that didn't happen. Alison was seeing someone else and for whatever reason, everyone but me decided it just wasn't the best idea. I felt so horrible I cried for days. I felt like we were abandoning a family member, again, someone in need, and I didn't understand it. That was the last we'd heard from him for years once again. We tried to get in touch with him but couldn't. I often searched for him on Myspace and things like that. It was always a very sad subject matter for me. Then one day I decided to email around people who'd gone to his high school. After about a month of that, someone answered with his address and phone number.

My mother and I called and left him a message, but we didn't hear back. At the time we were living in Florida and Atlanta was only about 9 hours away, so I got in my car and drove to the address I'd been given. I showed up at his doorstep in 5 inch heels, with my bridge pierced just like him, and a big box of cookies and said, "It's Jessie...Jessie Levitt." His eyes were the size of saucers and we both kept saying "holy shit!" We sat down, smoked a cigarette, and spent a few days catching up. He was doing well, had a good job, and was no longer using drugs. He missed making music though and I could tell he wanted to do more.  When I left he gave me the hugest hug ever, and swore he'd visit. We kept in touch and were good friends.

About a week ago I changed my phone number and texted him with the new one. I was starting to wonder why I hadn't heard back from him. I assumed he must not have gotten my text and planned on calling him to see what was up. Then I get this email, and it's all so surreal. I was just going to call him...and now I can't. Ever. I've known this person since I was 10 and he was like my big brother. Last year I drove to Atlanta to find him and knock on a random door I was told was his after several years because we had lost touch. I found him and now he's gone.

I'm really glad he's going to have a funeral service, I was trying to figure out a way to go, but there is really no way at this point with my current health and financial situation. It kills me that I can't be there, but I'm glad I got to see him one more time when he was alive. I plan on visiting as soon as I'm able to, wearing the Special Olympics shirt he gave me when I was 10 {inside joke}, and showing him the photo album of when we all went to New York together. He was always bummed out that he lost it.

Chazz's life was at times painful and lonely, he had lost his family, and when we were all he had, we abandoned him. But he still smiled, he still joked, he still let me in his home graciously after 10 years...he had such a good heart. He was 29, he was just starting out, and he had so much talent. I know that everyone who ever knew him will miss him terribly and always remember the effect he had on their lives.

-ATLANTA — Charles Burton Ortega, 29, of Atlanta, died Monday, May 17, 2010. Arrangements are by Jenkins Funeral Chapel, Wellston.

Yes, we all feel that way at times. It feels like there is not one good thing in your life, not one thing to keep you going. All you have is yourself. Well, there you go. If that's the case, work with what you've got. It's not much, but sometimes all you can do is be the best you you can be. So be it. Everyone hates you? Love yourself.

I've gotten to the point where it's just disgusting. One thing falls apart, I fix it, something else crumbles. I've gotten to the point where all else has failed and all I can do is get up. I can't fix it all, but no one else is going to, so I have to try. There's a time to cry and let it all out, but then there's also a time when you just get so fed up, say "fuck it!", stand up in your shitfest, and smile pretty.

I'm going to do my best to do that now. And when I feel like shit again I'm going to do something nice for myself. Whatever I can do. I'll work out, because endorphins ROCK! I'll paint my nails, do a home made mask, write a song, create something beautiful. Whatever I can possibly do for ME. What other choice do I have? I've had enough. I just want to look my problems in the face, give them the middle finger, and keep dreaming.

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